There’s a reason the post-breakup woman in every movie is found clutching a pint of ice cream along with a wad of snotty tissues — food will always love you, and you can come to rely on it as much as any vice
But no matter how bitchin’ you might turbo-charge that Rascal scooter, not being able to get around on your own is still kind of a bummer.
«For me, sugar has been like alcohol is for other people,» Rachel says. «It really goes right to my pleasure center. Interestingly enough, I’m in the process of establishing a good pain management system, because I have a lot of pain issues, and when I’m on pain medication, I don’t crave sugar as much. It’s like it hits that dopamine center.»
When you’ve already got addiction issues — as the two-pack-a-day-smoking, video-game-junkie Rachel clearly does — it’s one more obstacle to smash your metaphorical genitals into. Rachel started out as a relatively thin kid, but a traumatic experience in sixth grade led her to seek emotional relief from sweet lady pizza. «I would be upset, and then I would eat a pie or order a large pizza and eat that by myself,» she says, although she adds that «I don’t really do that anymore.»
Rachel’s case is an interesting one. Since her trauma involved sexual abuse, she struggles with a phenomenon doctors call «defensive weight.» That’s when survivors of sexual trauma subconsciously put on weight in an attempt to make themselves unattractive to potential abusers or to give themselves a kind of symbolic suit of armor. «You feel safe,» Rachel says. «There have been times that I’ve lost weight, like maybe 50 lbs., and it gives you anxiety. I look at the scale and it makes you feel . unprotected, I guess?»
There’s one type of psychological warfare Rachel’s weight can’t protect her from, though: shaming, which a lot of people seem to think convinces others to un-fat themselves. Unfortunately, actively gouging a person’s self-esteem generally drives them to self-medicate rather than jog. Attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings has pushed Rachel further into shame-based binge cycles. «My sponsor was Catholic, so I don’t know if that was part of the problem, but she was like, ‘You’re not turning over to your higher power enough,'» she says. Weirdly, that’s not the only time the Holy Trinity’s been pushed at her https://besthookupwebsites.org/local-hookup/bristol/ as a fat-fighting measure. «This woman came up to me in a waiting room, and not only was she pushing weight loss, but she was also pushing Jesus, like God’s diet plan. She said «You should only eat when Jesus tells you to, and then you’ll never be overweight.» Which is flat-out ignorant — Jesus was clearly pro-carb.
3 You’re Somebody’s Shameful Fetish
Rachel admits that, «For a long time, I felt like my body had been de-gendered, but then I found out there was a huge SSBBW community.» For the two of you who aren’t well-versed in your Internet sex acronyms, that stands for «super-size big beautiful woman,» a subset of the «big beautiful woman» community for larger ladies and the people who love them.
And lo, Rachel did find a virtual land of milk and eager dickings. «I think a big myth is that women like me aren’t sexually active or attractive to anyone, but there are a lot of guys who like really big women,» she says. «I have a profile on Adult Friend Finder, and I get bombarded with messages.» It’s not merely like attracting like, either: «Ninety-nine percent of the guys I’ve slept with are normal weight. I haven’t had sex with many big guys, just because of the geometry of it.»